A funny thing happened on my way to the blog . . .

I am sorry that this blog has seemed neglected for the last few weeks but I did have a very good excuse for being absent — alas!

You see, just over a month ago, I was diagnosed as having a cancerous growth at the bottom of my oesophagus, where it meets the stomach. As a result, I spent almost a month in hospital, first in Petchaburi (about 75km north of Hua Hin) & then in the justifiably famous Bumrungrad Hospital in central Bangkok.

This cancer didn’t come out of the blue, of course. For a few months now, I have had trouble swallowing, feeling as if I had a blockage in my gullet. However, when I mentioned this to a ‘doctor’ (who seems to have bought his degree) at Hua Hin’s San Paulo Hospital (not recommended for anything more than a cut finger), & he said it was wind (‘gas’ as the Americans say), recommending I get more exercise. This potentially life-threatening misdiagnosis led me to get more exercise but as cancer doesn’t respond to that, my problem didn’t get any better. However, a few weeks later, I sought out a second opinion from the ‘Hua Hin Polyclinic’, where the doctor actually took the trouble to examine me (something San Paulo seems reluctant to do) & then said he wanted to admit me to hospital for observation. I was duly driven by ambulance to Petchaburi & admitted. A day or so & a biopsy later, the doctor told me I had cancer in my oesophagus & that it would require surgery plus possibly radiation & chemo to get rid of it. Believing that a small, provincial hospital isn’t the best place for a complicated & risky operation, I arranged to get moved to Bangkok, to the Bumrungrad Hospital, which has the oldest cancer centre in Thailand. I was admitted on the 27th (the day after my less than joyful birthday) & I had a CT scan. I finally had the operation on the 31st & then spent several days in intensive care. Now this meant that I was in my own private room with hot & cold running nurses — life can really be a bitch! I almost cried when the doc said I could return to the regular rooms! However, my stay in IC ended with a nice flourish — a bed bath administered by five lovely Thai nurses. It’s a dirty job but someone has to do it!

Anyway, I was wheeled out of IC to my new bedroom up on the 8th floor on the 5th & that’s where I stayed until the 14th. Since then, I have been at home recovering. It is a struggle, trying to get my strength & weight back. I presently weigh almost 20kg less than I did a few months ago but I am making progress. However, I am still ridiculously weak & just typing this is tiring me out. Therefore, please forgive me if this blog isn’t updated as often as it should be. I shall try to get back into the swing as soon as my recovery allows, but as I begin chemotherapy & radiation in a few days time, I have no idea of when that will be. Here’s hoping it won’t be too long! Anyway, thanks for your patience & understanding.

A girlie bar as a marriage bureau?

It is amazing the way so many western males seem to think that what would be unacceptable in their homeland is OK here. I refer to the foolish habit so many western men have of marrying Thai bargirls. Now don’t get me wrong — there are many good & marriageable bargirls, in both Thailand and elsewhere. However, the men who marry these ladies of pleasure would probably go crazy if their son wanted to marry a European hooker. Now I know several western guys, including at least a couple of former policeman, who happily married former prostitutes and never regretted it. However, I also know several guys who married Thai ‘working girls’ and truly regretted it. Take, as a fine example, a German friend of mine who shall remain anonymous. About eight years ago, he married a girl who ‘worked’ in a notorious Bangkok backstreet known as Soi Cowboy. He gave her a good life and eventually gave her a house here in Hua Hin — by gave, I mean the house was bought in her name, due to the xenophobic Thai laws which encourage this sort of thing! However, despite poor health, he wasn’t dying quickly enough for her. She tried putting rat poison into his soup (I’m not joking, truly), she tried pulling a knife during one of their many arguments, and she even had one of her family try to shoot him. With what some cruel cynics might call typical inefficiency, the shot missed, but that is hardly the point. Now, however, this chap has finally seen her for what she is — a true whore in the non-sexual meaning of the word. He thinks he can fight her using the law (a foreigner versus a Thai in a Thai court — maybe not) and so instead of licking his wounds and returning to Europe, he is sticking it out. Whether he will survive long enough to taste even a sliver of vengeance is debatable but the point remains that marrying a Thai bargirl is as risky as marrying one in New York, London or anywhere else — maybe more so. If you want to read a few examples of what I mean, check out http://www.stickmanbangkok.com/reader/reader90.html. If you or someone you know has had a happy marriage with a Thai or any other lady of pleasure, great — I’m happy for you. However, as an American friend of mine used to say, if you eat fried chicken, expect to get greasy!

In the fair town of Hua Hin, where I live and strive to survive, there are two stores that can be called supermarkets rather than convenience stores or corner shops. One is a giant branch of Tesco Lotus, the other an older, smaller Chinese-run place called Gee. Now many westerners visiting or moving to Hua Hin make the understandable mistake of thinking that Tesco is a western supermarket and Gee must be much more oriental. However, they forget that this is not a Tesco like you’ll find in England or even — remember the latter part of the name, Tesco LOTUS. It’s a joint venture, Tesco being forced like everyone else to find a Thai partner. Now Gee is run by Thai citizens (possibly of Chinese descent) and they can do what they like. Therefore, Tesco is like a giant Thai supermarket, whereas Gee is like a supermarket in a town with many foreign residents. Does Tesco sell, for example, meat pies? No, but Gee does. The first time I visited a Tesco Lotus (in Bangkok), I was immensely disappointed to find so few of the products one might expect to find at a real Tesco. Business is business, of course, and so whenever I do my weekend shopping, I visit both supermarkets. Tesco does have a bigger choice of everyday items, thanks to its large size, but I usually end up having to pop into Gee on my way home, to buy the things I couldn’t get at Tesco Lotus. Also, as Tesco is part of a large and very fashionable shopping mall, parking can be a problem if one doesn’t get there around opening time, whereas Gee — which isn’t fashionable by any criteria — usually has plenty of room. So if you’re planning to live in northern Hua Hin and feel that ‘market Village’ (the mall in which Tesco is located) is not worth the drive and traffic, fret not. Many foreigners survived for years before Tesco came along, relying on Gee for the necessities of life. You can, too!

I was recently very chuffed to get some email from some of my former students, both in Japan and here in Hua Hin. The one in Japan was from a rather eccentric (in a very nice way) gentleman who is now contemplating taking time off from his typically hectic, Japanese-style work schedule to go and study photography in either Vilnius or Sofia! This chap is also studying the Chinese language, just in case he has a few minutes unfilled. Just reading about his schedule makes me tired! The Thai student was a young lady I remember very well. Not only was she extremely attractive in a highly effervescent way, but she was also an exemplary student. I don’t mean she never made a mistake or missed class, as that would imply cheating rather than diligence, but she always sat in the front row, asked a lot of challenging and relevant questions, and as an added bonus, actually greeted me and chatted sociably on my entering the classroom. I was very pleased to read that she had managed to gain a job as a trainee junior cabin crew with the Japanese airline 'Jalways'. She has to undergo a few weeks of Japanese language training, though she’s a bright girl and should get through this OK. However, later she will be serving the passengers aboard Jalways aircraft. If you should happen to fly with the airline any time after December this year, and if you should happen to come across a nicely vivacious flight attendant who answers to the nickname of ‘Pik’, say hi for me. If there is any justice (which may be expecting too much of life), then I’m sure she will do well — better than her former classmates who often seemed to be treading water, academically speaking!

Things to do: Find new maid and 'approve' new constitution!

One thing that many foreigners living in Thailand have that they didn’t have before is a servant. To be precise, they usually find that they can afford a maid to do the housework and other such tasks. Now I grew up on a colonial farm and so this isn’t the first time I’ve had servants. However, finding a good maid is, to quote the Thai proverb, a bit like diving for a needle in the ocean (งมเข็มในมหาสมุทร) — in other words, a needle in a haystack! Even my Thai friends tell me that good maids are like snow in the summer — not totally impossible but damn’d close! When we moved here, our builder (an excellent and helpful chap of whom I shall speak more later) helped us to find a maid. At first, she seemed ideal. Hard working, cheerful, well connected with the people who matter round here — she even spoke some English. However, when we began to trust her more and give her added responsibility, it went straight to her head. She became lazy, she lied about what she’d done and she even began to badmouth us to other people. So we parted company. When our absentee landlord neighbours had a similarly bad experience with her, when she failed to clean their place just before their friends were due to arrive, it took a call to the aforementioned builder, who also happens to be our village headman, to get her back to work. We, meanwhile, used this helpful builder to find a new maid. This one has no English and so communication is a challenge — but at least she couldn’t get too ambitious about her role here. However, like many Thais, she has this Buddhist-based idea that if she does you a special favour today, she can automatically let you down tomorrow — that a favour is an automatic pardon for future misdeeds. This is not the way we did things back on the farm and it still isn’t, and so we have had disagreements with the latest maid. However, she’s still working for us — for the time being. But I sincerely doubt if any foreigner here has the same servant for many years, let alone the three or four generations that my family’s servants worked for the family back in Africa!

If you've ever read 'A Year in Provence' (which I recommend to anyone planning to live in a foreign place), you may remember a character named Menucucci (changed to Colombani in the much funnier TV version). Well, we have our own version, a Thai of Chinese descent named Chanwut. He is the chap I mentioned above, our builder and the local village boss. He is also the man we call whenever anything goes wrong. A leaking window, a dodgy window grille, a suspicious stain on the ceiling — call in Chanwut, and he will respond. Rarely as promptly as one might wish but still a lot more promptly than many others here. If he can’t fix it (and when it comes to construction and maintenance, he is a truly a renaissance man), he is sure (to quote an old AA advert from British TV) to know a man who can. From small things like hanging pictures on the wall to big things like extending the rear patio awning or helping to set up a friend’s new office downtown, he usually gets things done. One amusing aspect of any visit by khun Chanwut, however, is that he will at some time during the conversation complain about how useless Thai workers are. He reminds me of the venerable gent who was 'Head Boy' on my family's Rhodesian farm who always complained about 'them damn blacks', despite his own lack of pallidity! Hua Hin is a small town and many of its better artisans speak no English and therefore do not mix with the foreign community. Knowing someone like khun Chanwut can therefore make a big difference to one’s life here. OK, I am sure that he takes a rack-off from any tradesman he puts us in touch with, and that any help he acts as arranger for is beneficial to him in the long run. However, that’s the way of the world. If a broker arranges a good insurance policy for you, or if an estate agent finds you a nice home, don’t they get some recompense? Of course, and so why shouldn’t khun Chanwut? We have a simple choice: use his recommendation (which is usually very satisfactory) and pay the slight surcharge to cover his ‘commission’ or try to do it alone, which might prove far more costly in the long run!

Usually in August, Thailand can expect to occasionally have a long weekend due to Mother’s Day, which is celebrated on the 12^th. The reason for this date is simple — it’s the birthday of Sirikit Kitiyakara, a lady who is now H.M. the Queen of Thailand, and therefore the ‘mother of the nation. Oh, and before you ask, her revered husband’s birthday (in December) is Father’s Day. Anyway, the point I am making is that this year, August is going to have not one but two long weekends. You see, the government, eager to make the new constitution (Thailand’s 18th since the abolition of absolute monarchy 75 years ago) respectable, is considering making the 20th, the day of the constitutional referendum, a holiday — no excuses for not voting! Knowing the locals as I do, having two long weekends is likely to mean that Thailand is basically closed for business this month, and as for colleges — they might as well save power and stay shut till October! Like every other household in this kingdom, we had a copy of the new constitution delivered to our door. The fact it was completely in Thai made it difficult for linguistically challenged slobs like me to evaluate it, but what the hell. However, it has been posted on the Internet and covered in the newspapers, so I have been able to get a look at it. It is immediately clear that this document will be very different to the previous 1997 constitution. For example, although Thailand will continue to have a bicameral parliament, consisting of a House of Representatives and Senate, the latter chamber would be appointed by an unelected committee of judges and civil servants. The lower chamber would continue to be directly elected but would be reduced from 500 members to 400. This is clearly designed to make it harder for a demagogue like the deposed PM Thaksin Shinawatra, who was increasingly reviled by the Thai elite until he was eventually ousted in the September coup. However, one must be grateful for small mercies. During the drafting of this latest constitution, Thailand’s already powerful Buddhist clergy staged several protests and demonstrations outside the Parliament building, demanding that Buddhism be declared the country's official religion. Now such a move, apart from offending the roughly 1% of the population who are Christian, Sikh, Hindu, etc., such a move would undoubtedly have greatly upset Thailand’s Muslim community (4.6%) — not a very good idea with the near civil war situation now prevailing in the Muslim-dominated southern provinces. No, the military-appointed drafters wisely chose to keep the wording of the 1997 constitution, which says that the government "shall patronize and protect Buddhism and other religions." Anyway, even though I obviously cannot vote in this referendum, it will still be interesting for me. I was once a political scientist and so witnessing Thailand’s first ever referendum will be of some interest to me. I sincerely doubt if this document will dramatically improve life for either Thai or farang, just as I fully expect there to be a constitution number 19 in due course. However, making allowances for the usual degree of vote buying (the poor need something to sell, after all), the result is not completely predictable. Then again …

Anyway, that’s it for now. The cloudy skies of rainy season Hua Hin are presently being somewhat battered by a very strong wind that has just slammed my back door so loudly that it even woke up my ever drowsy dog, but at least it rearranges the dust on the roads.

Doing Business in HH -- and Monkey Business in Bangkok!

A lady friend of mine recently decided to upgrade her business by opening an office downtown. Now it was difficult enough for her to set up her business in the first place and so she asked me to come along and help her deal with her future landlord. This lady is not a Thai and so, under Thailand’s strangely xenophobic business laws, she needed to have several Thai partners before she could establish a company. What’s more, the government expects her to be able to run the company without working — as owning (or co-owning) a company here isn’t enough to get you a visa. She officially needs to have four Thai staff before she can get herself a work permit. How she can pay those Thais when she cannot legally work herself is a mystery that only the idiots in Bangkok can answer but that’s how it is. Anyway, she eventually signed an agreement to rent this shop-cum-office for a 3-year period. The owner then told her that if she wants to have a sign telling the world her company is there, there are two kinds of tax levied by the municipality. If you have a sign without any Thai, you pay a higher rate but if you have even a couple of Thai words, the tax is much lower. Don’t even try to spot the logic in that as logic is one of many subjects not taught in Thai schools — like geography and PE!

You may have read about some violent anti-government demonstrations in Bangkok on Sunday. Well, as usual, what happens in Bangkok has very little effect on what happens here in Hua Hin, and so life continues the same as usual down here. The demonstrators were, unusually enough, venting their anger at one of the King’s chief advisers, a retired general whom they blame for planning last September’s coup. This adviser was, funnily enough, the leader of the military government that was running Thailand when I first stayed here, back in 1988. However, his government did a much better job than the present one, mainly because it concentrated on running the country rather than wasting a huge amount of time, money and goodwill on hunting down its perceived opponents. The former PM, Mr. Thaksin, is still at liberty in London, where is he is likely to remain as his business prospers, and the Thai government’s popularity continues to plummet. If that previously revered adviser was indeed behind the latest Thai coup (which wasn’t the first or the last), then he seems to have been unfortunate in his choice of leaders, as they are proving to be a lot less successful, popular or effective than he was. What do I think of the present government? I think I shall take the example of the wise old owl who, I was once taught, discovered that ‘the more he heard, the less he spoke — the less he spoke, the more he heard.” He also doubtless lived a lot longer than those who did the opposite.

The Rainy Season is officially here but the weekend was noticeably not rainy. OK, Saturday was rather cloudy and threatening, but if there was any rain, it didn’t fall while I was awake. Yesterday, when I had a braai (BBQ) on my lawn, the sun shone down so strongly that my guests and I had to eat indoors until the lawn became shady. This morning is also boding well, with only a very few clouds in sight. This should make me feel a bit guilty, I suppose, seeing all these reports of serious floods in China and back in the UK — but it doesn’t! One reason I chose this town as a residence is because this province, Prachuap Kirikhan, is one of the driest in Thailand. Also, it’s worth remembering that whereas the Brits affected by the British floods are complaining about the government not doing anything, flood victims here would be amazed if the government even noticed! A phrase I learned the hard way during my army days (back in the time of spears and chariots) was “demandez tu”, which basically means “ask yourself”, or deal with it yourself. If my house were to be flooded, that would doubtless be the answer I could expect from any official I sought help. Of course, there is the fact that I pay much less to the local and national government, so you get what you pay for!

Langkawi: Lovely to visit, difficult to leave -- literally!

Well we made it back in one piece. Yes indeed, we all got back from Malaysia safe and sound. So how was it down there? Very nice — and very different! It’s strange, and maybe one day the Bangkok government can explain how it is that even though Malaysia and Thailand have quite similar GDP (per capita, using purchasing power parity) — $9,700 for Malaysia and $8,100 for Thailand — the former’s infrastructure is visibly much better. On the island of Lang Kawi, I didn’t see a single road that was as bad as most non-major roads around Hua Hin. Whatever the Thai government spends its money on, it isn’t roads — or drainage or electricity or internet facilities. So why is it that Malaysia, which celebrates 50 years of nationhood this year, is so different to Thailand — which has always been something akin to a nation? I think I’ll change the subject before I get blacklisted …

Anyway, we went to Langkawi precisely as I mentioned last time. First, we caught the train from Hua Hin’s quaint old station down to Hat Yai, where we had to disembark so that they could detach the single 1^st class carriage from the rest of the train. Why do they do that, do you think? Could it be that the Thai Railways are embarrassed that their idea of 1^st class isn’t exactly opulent? Anyway, having bought a 2^nd class ticket to get across the border, we proceeded south through Thailand’s Muslim heart, where the few Buddhist temples look very out of place, like enemy camps in an occupied land. Eventually, we reached the border station of Padang Besar, where the Thai immigration official seemed amazed to have a non-tourist passing through his area. He certainly took a lot of notes and then told me (presuming I didn’t know) that I already had a re-entry permit. Good job he told me! Anyway, we then walked over to the Malaysian side, where a suitably Islamic-looking lady processed my arrival quietly and quickly. I then moved onto the Malaysian Customs, where a smiling (no really, he smiled!) official helped me fill in the required form and then waved me through without so much as a glance inside our bags. It seems that terrorist and drug traffickers only travel by air — can’t say I blame them!

Anyway, from here, we caught the same train south to a sleepy old station called Alor Setar. From here, we needed to catch a taxi to the ferry terminal. As usual, we were approached by a taxi guy whilst still on the platform, ticket barriers being an alien concept in SE Asia. He took us out to the oldest, most dilapidated taxi I have travelled in since leaving Africa 25+ years ago. My other half seemed a little wary of getting in but as there were no other taxis in sight, get in we did. He drove us (with great and distinctly un-Thai care) to the ferry terminal in the nearby town of Kuala Kedah, from where we caught a fast but not too comfortable (not advisable for anyone over 183cm tall) ferry to the island of Langkawi. The trip took about 90 minutes or so, and deposited us at Kuah, the island’s main town and port. From here, we caught a minibus-type taxi to our hotel, the Tanjung Sanctuary Resort, located on a seafront hilltop to the northwest of the port. There is no public transport on Langkawi, not even the truck-like Song Taews one sees in Hua Hin, and so taxis or rental vehicles are the only way to get around.

The next day, we had breakfast overlooking the clean blue sea and later, we met a Dutch guy who’d lived on the island for several years. We had sought his advice on property in Langkawi and he proved to be both useful and hospitable (thanks, Marius!). He took us to see his home, a Malay-type house spread out over a large piece of land set amidst rice paddies in the island’s central valley. He also showed us a very nice plot of land atop a nearby hill, with fine views clear over the paddy fields to the sea but only a few minutes drive from Kuah. This plot is presently for sale and I won’t lie — we were (and are) interested in buying it. Purchasing land is much simpler in Malaysia and so we could just buy the land and build a house later. Sea view land without seafront prices is quite rare and so we are certainly giving it some thought. Anyway, we had dinner on the beach at a nice place called the Oasis and then drove back to the hotel in the car (a Malaysian-made Proton, like a rather old Nissan) Marius had helped us to hire.

The next day, after another sea view breakfast, we took our 3-year-old to the large and quite impressive aquarium, which he loved. We then travelled up to the far north of Langkawi, to Tanjung Rhu beach. This is very beautiful, located on a bay filled with rocky islets and on the edge of the mangrove swamp. Definitely worth a return trip. After this, we drove south and had dinner at a German place in Pantai Cenang called the Beach Garden Resort. Note that name well. Its location is nice and as a budget hotel, it seemed ok. However, if you decide to eat there, make very sure you don’t chose the ‘herb encrusted lamb’. I did and spent several hours in the hotel toilet that night, not getting to bed until around 4. Not recommended.

Our last day on Langkawi began with a trip to the cable car that takes one up Mount Mat Chinchang, where one can see most of the island from various platforms located around 650~700 metres up. It was a cloudy day but the views were really impressive — as was the ‘sky-bridge’ built between two of the peaks. What’s more, all of the equipment was either Austrian or Swiss, which made me feel a lot safer entrusting my family’s safety to a flimsy looking gondola! Definitely worth a trip if you ever visit the island — but not if you have any form of vertigo!

Anyway, that was the end of the holiday as such and so we returned to the hotel, packed and paid, and then drove back to the car rental place in Pantai Cenang, where we met the first of several setbacks. Malaysian schools seem to take a siesta in the early afternoon and so the owner of the rental place had gone to collect her kid — meaning we couldn’t return the car. We had hoped to catch the 13.30 ferry but this setback made that impossible, as we didn’t reach Kuah until that time. However, we thought we had plenty of time and so this didn’t bother us too much. However, we then found out that the next ferry was NOT at 16.30, as the hotel had told us, but at 17.00 — which would give us very little time to make the connections we needed to catch the sleeper train back to Hua Hin.

We had decided to return to Thailand via a different route. Instead of ferrying back to Malaysia, we had decided to try catching the ferry to Satun, on the southeastern edge of Thailand. This ferry left almost on time and deposited us at the small harbour of Tammalang, where we found the immigration/customs procedure much more user friendly than at the Padang Besar station. Outside, we caught a Song Taew to Satun town, where the bus driver arranged a taxi to take us the 100km to Hat Yai, where we were supposed to catch the train home. Now I have to give this guy due credit. He really put his foot down the whole way, driving his classic but dilapidated Mercedes to Hat Yai at breakneck speed — which was a bit worrying for me in the seatbelt-less front seat! However, maybe due to the couple of traffic lights he actually stopped at, we reached the station 2 minutes late. Now remembering that our train from Hua Hin had been over 20 minutes late leaving, we were totally astonied to find that the sleeper had left exactly on time. That was it — we were stuck! However, a passing taxi tout suggested we try the bus station but when we got there, we found that the last bus had left at 19.30. We then tried a nearby travel agent who eventually booked us on a flight to Bangkok, which left at 21.20. It was only a short flight, maybe 70 minutes or so, but I slept well — I hadn’t relished the idea of spending the night in Hat Yai, a city that is rather polluted and prone to anti-Buddhist bomb attacks! Anyway, we arrived at Bangkok’s newly reopened Don Muang airport at around 22.30 and a few minutes later, we caught a minibus taxi with a very nice driver back home, arriving at 01.20.

Quite a journey, as I’m sure you’ll agree. However, it is testament to Langkawi’s appeal that despite that nightmarish trip home, I am still glad that we went. My last trip to Malaysia had been whilst the xenophobic Dr Mahathir was still Prime Minister and the changes in both Langkawi and Malaysia in general since Prime Minister Badawi took over were obvious and impressive. I am sure that the premier is no fonder of we westerners than any other SE Asian but he at least has the saving grace of being practical, and realising that money is good for his people wherever it comes from. Will I return to Malaysia? Most certainly. Might I actually move there? Certainly not beyond the realms of possibility. Could Thailand learn a lot from their southern neighbour? Indubitably. Will Thailand bother to do so? Sadly, that is equally indubitable — that it will not!

Anyway, I’m back in Hua Hin, back to my old routine and so unless Thailand gets the better of me, the next instalment of this blog will be at your disposal around the same time as usual next week.

Let the train take the strain -- but this is Thailand, so . . .

Sorry this post is a bit late but I have had a lot of paperwork pile up in my ‘in’ tray, and I have also managed to acquire something you might think is hard to get in Thailand — a nasty Cold! Anyway, apologies over, let’s get on with this latest look at life in Hua Hin.

The clan and I decided to take a break next week, and so on this coming Sunday, we shall be catching the sleeper train from Hua Hin across the Malaysian border to Kuala Kedah, from where we’ll take a ferry to the island of Lang Kawi. Now I know that I said we’d cancelled that plan, but you know how it is — a change is as good as a rest, so they say and so we’re back to plan A! Anyhow, to prepare for this trip, we yesterday went to buy the train tickets to Kuala Kedah. A simple move, right? Just go there, pay up and walk away with the tickets, yes? But this is Thailand. We went to the rather picturesque railway station in downtown Hua Hin and asked for the tickets. Now I must admit that the ticket office staff in Hua Hin speak pretty good English and so language wasn’t a problem. However, politics and bureaucracy are! First off, we prefer (not unnaturally) to travel in a first class sleeper cabin, where there are two beds, as compared with second class, where you sleep in what seems like a dormitory on wheels. However, the first class carriages only travel as far as the Thai city of Hat Yai, where they are detached from the train. From Hat Yai to the border and beyond, it’s second and third class only. Simple, buy a separate second-class ticket from Hat Yai to Kuala Kedah, right? No way. The ticket office told us they couldn’t do that, that we would have to (a) try and get the second ticket from staff aboard the train, or (b) jump off the train at Hat Yai, run to the ticket office, buy the tickets and then rush back aboard the train before it departs fro the border. Tickets apart, crossing the Thai border isn’t like crossing into France aboard the Eurostar. You reach the border at a place called Padang Besar, a station that is literally on the border — one end of the platform is in Thailand and the other in Malaysia. You get off the train, rush to get the necessary forms (which are not available before you reach the border) and then you queue to pass through Malaysian immigration. You then get back on the same train and continue south. The train eventually terminates at Butterworth, the port that serves the island of Penang, from where you can travel onto KL and even Singapore. Anyway, that’s the joy we face next Monday morning — we should reach Hat Yai for the ticket office scramble at just after 6am and then reach the border at around 7.55. I shall tell you more if and when I get back to Hua Hin — don’t forget that we’ll be travelling through the troublesome southern provinces that the British Embassy here advises against going even near!

Remember that scenic beach I’ve mentioned a couple of times in previous Blogs, the one at Khao Kaloke? Well, when we went to that restaurant opening a little south of Hua Hin (which I mentioned last time), we met and became friendly with this Swedish family. We decided to share this beach with them and so last Sunday, we took them there. They, too, were amazed at how empty it was and as they are relatively new to Hua Hin, they seemed to assume that as it was cloudy, it was safe to sit out of the shade. By the time we left the beach and shared a few beers on the lawn of my home, I could see that the husband had more than a trace of sunburn around his tank top. It is an easy mistake to make, truly. The UV factor is often at its highest when the skies are overcast and so I kept my shirt on all that day. However, I did get a tiny bit of sunburn where my tan-line meets the pale skin normally hidden by my shorts, but it was truly insignificant. However, the picnic was almost spoilt due to my own unforgivable mistake. You see, I left my backpack at home and inside the backpack was — you guessed it — the bottle opener! However, we did manage to get the bottles open and so the day was saved, though not my reputation!

Another aspect of our intended trip to Malaysia is that we must get ‘Re-entry permits’, so that our visas remain valid after we return. Now as I mentioned in a previous post, the Immigration office is now located in about as inconvenient a part of the town as could be found, and so we will have to give up a half day or so to go and get these stamps in our passports. What’s more, I’m sure that Thai Immigration has a deal with the British Passport Office. Why so? Because every time you get something done at Immigration, whether it be a visa renewal or a re-entry permit, the stamps cover at least half a page in one’s passport. This means I might not make to the end of my passport’s 10-year life without filling every page. Therefore, as the British authorities are too mean and money grabbing to issue you with extra pages, as I believe the Australians and Americans do, I would have to get a new passport. Any excuse to squeeze some more money out of us! What’s more, I hear that with the new ‘biometric’ passport being issued, I may have to go to the Bangkok embassy in person. Life isn’t all Singapore Slings beneath the palm trees out here in the exotic orient, you know…

Anyway, as I might not be recovered from the trek south by this time next week, the next instalment of this blog might be a little late. If so, please do be patient. Anyway, catch you again whenever I return home!

Let's talk rainy season, beaches, wet Malaysia and keeping fit!

A few posts ago, I confidently predicted that rainy season had started — which clearly upset Mother Nature, for since then we haven’t had enough rain to fill a glass! However, the last few days have seen more and more clouds, less and less sunshine (in the later part of the day only), and we even had some rain. Once again, not enough, but some. So is this really it? Is this the onset of the rainy season? I’m not going out on a limb like that again! The rainy season will come when it’s good and ready, and until it does, I for one shall do all I can to make the most of its absence!

Last Sunday (that would be June 10^th), we all went out in the car to a beach we’d stumbled on whilst looking at some new housing projects located on the fare side of Paknampran. Now I should explain that the area where a river flows into the sea is called "Pak Nam" in Thai (Pak = mouth, Nam = water). The Pran part is an abbreviation of Pranburi, so this is where the Pranburi River flows into the Gulf of Thailand. Anyway, while doing a little exploring in this area, a little beyond Paknampran, we stumbled upon this long stretch of white sandy beach, washed by some incredibly clean and blue sea. I later found out that this beach is called Khao Kaloke, and we returned there last Sunday. It was totally deserted, we had the whole long beach to ourselves. The sand was clean, the sea was see-through, and the sun was hot. We had a very nice picnic there, and promised ourselves that we would return soon and often. We couldn’t go this weekend, as we had other appointments, but we will be back whenever the weather allows. OK, I’ll admit that as I haven’t been to the beach for a while (you get careless when it’s so close at hand), and so I did get some sunburn on my shoulders by not putting enough lotion on, but what the hell! Why come to Thailand and stay in the shade?

Another thing that I haven’t done much since moving to Thailand is visit the gym. However, yesterday (Saturday the 16^th), I did precisely that. I visited the cheapest gym in Hua Hin, located at a rather run-down hotel/condo place called ‘Sports Villa’, which also has a very cheap swimming pool. Anyway, after working out which of the machines in the gym actually worked, I did about an hour’s worth of exercise. It wasn’t easy. You see, whereas I used to go to the gym (a proper, everything working gym) in Tokyo two or three times a week, I haven’t been to one since May 2005. So I had a few aching muscles when I’d finished, that’s for sure. However, being the masochist I am, I do plan to repeat this procedure sooner or later. After all, just because I am unlikely to actually work again before October (maybe not even then) doesn’t mean I have to sit around and do nothing but drink beer. I’m not sure why not, but that’s what I’m supposed to say, right?

I have only been outside of this town and its environs once or twice in the last 12 months+, and so I was toying with the idea of popping down to Malaysia for a few days next week, down to the island of Langkawi. I’ve been there before, about 4 or 5 years ago, but I visited the wrong part, staying within walking distance of the ferry terminal — which I later found out wasn’t the best part of the island! Anyway, the ideas grew more attractive the more I thought about it — catching the night train down to Malaysia, swigging Chang beer until I fell asleep in my rather comfortable sleeper compartment, and then exploring a few beaches where the signs, if not in English, are at least in the same alphabet. However, I’d forgotten how much wetter Malaysia is than this part of Thailand, and so it came as a shock when I checked the week’s weather forecast for the island. Thunderstorms all day, every day for the whole week! So it looks like that trip is off, for the time being at least. After all, with the rainy season possibly well on its way to Hua Hin, I might as well watch the rain from my own home than from some hotel room!

A veteran pal of mine, an Aussie who's son is due to be posted to either Iraq or Afghanistan at the end of this year, is planning to celebrate an upcoming wedding anniversary by holidaying in Thailand next year. He was so impressed by the advice I was able to give him that he (a) asked me to help him arrange a pre-embarkation holiday for his son around Christmas time, & (b) has spread the word about Hua Hin to the other members of his regimental association. Word-of-mouth advertising, the best there is. I must admit I do like Aussies, as they are so in your face & easy to get on with. Of course, such sentiments went out of the window yesterday, when the Tri-Nations rugby tournament began with South Africa only just managing to beat Oz in Cape Town. However, if SA gets kicked out of the World Cup early (in France later this year), then Oz is the one I will support.

A large new housing project just a little south of Hua Hin, put together by a Swiss friend of mine, is opening its on-site restaurant this weekend and I've been invited to the opening. As this project is pleasantly out of town, it should be a nice break from the usual routine. It's in the evening, so it shouldn't be too hot. What's more, being on a Sunday (today), it didn't interfere with the rugby! Anyway, I have to get ready for that now so I shall love you and leave you till next time.

Don't you just love doctors -- & Immigration!

I'm a bit late with this week's blog, but that isn't in any way linked with the medical I mentioned last week. That went surprisingly easily. I did have a few appointments to carry out and these seemed to balloon until the time just flew past. Anyway, enough of the excuses, on with the motley…

The medical. Well, it was as unorganised as one would expect from a small town Thai hospital. One thing it had in common with all other medical exams was the totally impractical attitude of the doctors/administrators. I mean, they tell you not to eat or drink for many hours before the examination but then they expect you to provide a urine sample on demand. Excuse me, but unless you fill the bucket, you can't get any water, OK? Sure enough, this exam asked for a urine sample — they even asked for a sample of the other stuff — but I admit I'd cheated. I had a glass of water when I woke up that morning. The way the doctor's face changed when I told her this, you'd have thought I'd confessed to raping her daughter! But be fair — it gets over 30c pretty early here, so not drinking water for a long time is downright unhealthy! But little things like that don't matter to a doc who learned his theory from a book written somewhere that never gets that hot! Anyway, I was eventually told that my cholesterol is a little high and that I should give up smoking. The former was very surprising, as the Tokyo doctors used to claim my cholesterol was as high as President Bush's disapproval rating, and the latter was amazing, as I haven't had a smoke this year! I gave up cigarettes a long time ago but I do occasionally smoke a pipe — though not for several months. Of course, this was San Paulo, a hospital more famed for its plastic surgery than its medical skills, and so anything it tells me must be taken with a ladle of salt. Strangely enough, my wife's results were identical to my own — which is strange bearing in mind the difference in our ages (11 years), diets (she eats as I should do), lifestyle (she does aerobics twice a week, and I don't), etc. Next year, I might try Bumrungrad in Bangkok. It's much more expensive but it does have a reputation!

Apart from that, the only news is the moved immigration office. When I first moved to Hua Hin, the nearest Immigration office was located in a temporary building at the end of a long dirt road on the Burmese border about 80km south of here. Then they opened an office in downtown Hua Hin, inside the town's police station. However, this convenience may have led some foreigners to think that Thailand welcomed them and wanted to make their lives easier — not the idea the government wanted at all! So to make sure we all know what the government truly thinks of us, the office has been moved. It is now about 8km south of downtown, located a long way up a Paschendale-like (i.e., potholed) Soi. It has no neighbours, as it stands alone in the middle of a building site. Therefore, if you forget to bring enough photocopies or ID photos, you can't just pop across the road to the Kodak supermarket (as was the case before the latest move), you have to drive at least 7 or 8 km, hoping to find a shop with the right facilities. OK, the new office is more comfortable and less crowded but if you don't have your transport, you are in trouble. Yes, you can take a tuk-tuk or motorbike taxi, but first you need to explain to the driver where you're going! So does the new office provide a map you can show a driver? Of course not — that would defeat the whole purpose of the move! However, it could be worse — they had considered locating the office at the top of Hin Lek Fai Mountain, the tallest mountain in this vicinity. Of course, you can hire an agent to do your Immigration paperwork for you, and those agents might well bless this move. And even the new locale is still preferable to the Work Permit office, located in the provincial capital about 90km south of here. But I suppose I should think more along Thai lines. A trip to the work permit office? A nice drive through the Thai pineapple fields! Going to the new Immigration office? A chance to get out of town and sit on a comfy sofa in an air-conditioned room! It all depends on your point of view, I suppose. However, as you can see from the banner shown below, the Thai Immigration website claims "We try to make it easy for you to stay". Yeah, right -- like the taxman tries to help you get richer!

A court desicion & maybe a change of plan for your's truly!

My other half and I were planning to take a trip to Bangkok this week, to do some shopping and generally get a change of scenery. I know it's an old joke about where do people who live by the seaside go for their holidays but I haven't been outside of Hua Hin since mid-March, when I last visited Bangkok. However, now that trip seems a little inadvisable.

You see, here in the 'Land of Smiles', those smiles are looking a little stressed in some quarters. A while back, the military-appointed government tried to ban and dissolve two major political parties, including (unsurprisingly) that of the deposed PM Thaksin. These parties, quite naturally, appealed against this move and later this week (on the 30th), Thailand's Constitution Tribunal is due to announce its decision. Now if they rule in favour of the government, there is almost certain to be some agitated disagreement by members of the public, especially as the government's poll ratings are pretty damn'd low. The Information and Communications Technology Ministry has already shut down as many as 17 websites for their support of the ousted prime minister, which shows how they might deal with any demonstrations. However, the parties concerned are preparing for such demonstrations, be they protests or celebrations, in some detail.

The main participant, Mr. Thaksin's Thai Rak Thai party, has asked supporters to gather at its new headquarters rather than the court building, and is organising refreshments for supporters. The other party, the Democrats, have announced that party executives will pay homage at the statue of King Rama VII at Parliament on Wednesday morning before going to the Constitution Court. Not exactly Tienanmen Square but then again, we don't want tanks on the streets of Bangkok again, do we? Those who don't know the Thai way of doing things might get the wrong idea & start cancelling their trips to Thailand. If that was to happen, then the economy might slip and we might end up with what the old South Africans called the 'Laager Mentality', meaning that instead of thoughtfully reacting to foreign pressure, the ruling folk would just circle the wagons and resist. Not a good idea at all.

To show just how serious Wednesday's verdict is, even the sincerely revered Thai King has commented on it, which is not a common occurrence — His Majesty is far too wise to get involved with politics! The King described the verdict as something that would cause a lot of trouble no matter how it turns out. The King even cleverly commented on his constitutionally non-political role, using the gown which the judges concerned had just given him as a gift. He said "I can't say if there should be or there shouldn't be political parties, or whether parties should be dissolved or not. That's why I said the gown you gave me gave me trouble. It came with no power. Whether one will wear the gown or not, there will be no power." It's easy to see why he has remained so incredibly popular here for so long. To remain King in some troubled countries is tricky, but to remain the world's most venerated leader is a real achievement.

Whatever happens on Wednesday, life outside of central Bangkok will doubtless go on in the usual way. I do not expect to see extra troops or police on the streets of Hua Hin or hear of any businesses being closed. This is partly because the next day, Thursday (31st) is a holiday anyway, Visakha Bucha Day, which marks three important incidents in the life of Lord Buddha on the same day. For me, Tuesday is the big day this week, as that's when I go for my yearly medical check. In Tokyo, it was provided free by the local council but here, It's going to cost me about 2,500 baht — that's about £36, €53 or US$72, which isn't too bad, I suppose. What will the doctor tell me? Will I still be around to write the next Blog? Tune in to find out . . .

The Rainy Season's here -- but it's not all gloom & floods!

Well, here we go with another rainy season. As I arrived in Thailand during the rainy season, this will be the third such season I've experienced, and although the name might sound a bit off-putting, it shouldn't.

If you've read my postings from last year, you'll know that the rainy season in Thailand and the Japanese 'Tsuyu' are very different. Yes, the Japanese rainy season is much shorter, lasting from June until the middle of July, whereas our version lasts from mid-May until late October or mid-November. However, whereas grey skies and downpours are almost constant during the Japanese rainy season, the Thai equivalent is much gentler. Yes, some places do get flooded (usually due to bad or no preparation) and there are occasional landslides (often due to human misbehaviour, like deforesting or bad irrigation), but generally speaking, a rainy season day here in Hua Hin consists of a warm sunny morning, a cloudy & possibly threatening midday, with some often torrential rain pelting down later in the day.

It is also more comfortable at this time of year, as the temperatures fall from the hot season averages of the high 30s/low 40s to a more comfortable range of mid-20s to low 30s. Yes, it can and does get humid but believe me, Tokyo is worse. Humidity-wise, summer in Tokyo makes this place seem like the Sahara! OK, this town does have sea and mountain breezes to help keep things comfortable, and I'm sure that the humidity in Bangkok is a lot harder to bear. But that's true in most places. The hotter and more humid the weather, the less pleasant the cities become, that's international!

For non-residents, there are some big advantages for travelling during the rainy season. First off, the scenery is verdant green rather than dusty brown. This is especially true if you're heading south. My province, Prachuap Kirikhan, is one of the driest in the kingdom, and during the heat of March and April, the dust gets everywhere. My front lawn gets cracked soon after being watered and just taking the rubbish out is a tiring trek. However, come the rains and the waterfalls are fuller, the rice fields more as westerners expect, and the flowers a riot of colour. However, the main advantages must be fewer tourists, cheaper prices and less booked-out accommodation. Prices for hotels and resorts are much cheaper than in the early part of the year, and many places are less than 50% full, as uninformed tourists are scared away by the word 'rainy'. You can get some great discounts at this time, and enjoy a hotel that would be well outside your budget during the peak season.

When the rainy season finally ends, we'll have the peak cooler season. Now I know that for visitors from northern Europe, the cooler season is still warm. However, for us folks who've gone through the heat of a Thai spring, it can often feel a little too cool. OK, I won't be wearing gloves, scarf and jacket like many young Thais do at that time, but I might wear a long sleeved shirt now and again. I might even wear long trousers on my days off! However, don't let that fool you. What is usually called the 'cool season' is more accurately the cooler season. However, the prices charged by hotels, etc., at that time are certainly not 'cool', but that's another story. Right now, at 10.30 in the morning, I am basking in warm (28c/82f) sunshine, with clear blue skies over the sea. However, the clouds are moving in from Burma over the peak of Khao Don Tabaek (the 265-metre tall mountain behind my home) and so I'm sure we'll get some rain later. The weather here may not be as obliging as Camelot, where "The rain may never fall till after sundown", but the rainy season is still a lot less depressing and uncomfortable as the name might suggest. So don't be fooled — try it for yourself, and whilst you can forget a raincoat (it's never that cool), don't forget your umbrella!

Thailand: Great for me but not for Tesco!

There is a Thai proverb that talks about someone who "Dies to spite the graveyard" (ตายประชดป่าช้า). Clearly, this is the local equivalent of 'cutting off your nose to spite your face', but sadly, it seems that the apparently well-educated apparatchiks in Bangkok never learned either phrase, as they are working hard to make sure that Thailand should no longer be considered one of the Asian Tiger economies.

The latest example of this masochistic trend is a new retail law which is designed to limit or even stop the number and size of so-called 'foreign' retail giants. (Remember that even the mighty Tesco MUST have a Thai partner.) Now it would be easy to blame this nonsensical law on the military-installed government, but it was being discussed in government circles long before the tanks moved onto the streets of Bangkok last year. What's more, this law isn't an isolated example -- it is just another symptom of a growing xenophobic trend, highlighted by the government's move to limit foreigners to holding no more than 49% of the shares or voting rights in Thai companies. Rather than sacrifice control of their company like that, many foreign businessmen have abandoned plans to invest in Thailand, or prefer to work illegally -- thereby costing the government millions in lost tax income!

In case you haven't heard, the new retail law allows for local governments to deny permission for 'foreign' companies like Tesco and France's Carrefour to open new supermarkets, thereby denying thousands of Thais a job and yet again sacrificing huge tax revenue. Why are they acting so masochistically? Well, the official line is that the government is responding to complaints from small store owners, who complain that the big retailers are driving them out of business. Does this mean that they will close railway lines if bus companies complain? Or close down power stations if candle-makers present a grievance? I doubt it. You see, the railways and candle makers aren't foreign.

Now make no mistake. I still think Thailand is a great place to live, especially if you are a retiree. It is also great for holidays, even long-term holidays. However, as a place to do business, it leaves a lot to be desired. Entrepreneurs should leave Thailand off their itinerary, as the neighbouring countries offer much more promising opportunities -- especially as some (like Malaysia) are making the most of Bangkok's lack of practicality and encouraging foreign businesses. Thailand's loss -- or should I say, losses -- are other countries gain!

There is a good side to all this, of course. The growing lack of business sense in government circles here is bound to hurt the economy, either limiting economic growth or even encouraging a decline. This will make Thailand much poorer, thereby making it cheaper for overseas folk. Holidays here will become even more attractive and so will property. Long-term visits and retirement will become much more affordable to many more foreigners. 'Every cloud has a silver lining', ah? Maybe that's what the government wants, is working toward. If that's what you think, then you don't know Thailand …

Time for a haircut -- Hua Hin style!

As the hot season (a name that is well chosen) is now well and truly upon us, I thought it was about time for a haircut. Now when I lived in Tokyo, this was a time and money-consuming event, but now I'm in Hua Hin, things are different. It's not as basic as the pavement barber I used in Vietnam but it's not exactly Vidal, if you know what I mean!

My good lady wife (a title that is also well chosen) gave me a lift to the hotel where she was going to do aerobics. From here, I walked through the already hot and busy streets, up through what would later be the tourist thronged night market, and into my barbers. I'm willing to bet many foreigners walk by without even knowing there's a barbers there -- it has no 'bleeding arm' sign outside. However, it is plain, friendly and cuts my hair the way I like it -- tropically short! Our former maid introduced me to it, this being where her husband used to get his cut. After a few visits, both the main artisans learned what I liked and so I now just sit down and let them do it. A nice haircut, a shave, a scalp massage and some cold towels (you wouldn't want hot towels here!), all for ฿60 -- that's about 93 British pence, A$2.23 or €1.37. That plus a ฿20 tip (which is appreciated, as the Thai customers never tip!) and I walk out feeling pretty good.

The trim was finished early this morning so I passed the time by taking a walk along one of the roads that run parallel with the sea. Eventually, I came to a street restaurant (some might call it a food vendor) that has some excellent grilled chicken for about ฿20, all served within 20 or 30 metres of the sea. The food stand doesn't sell beer so customers pop across to a nearby booze shop and buy their own. Feeling that it was a mite too hot for grilled anything, I just went straight to the booze shop, bought a bottle of Leo (a lighter beer than my normal Chang but it was just after 10) for ฿23 (35p/A¢85/€0.52). Not a bad way to round off a nice haircut.

Back in Tokyo, I'd have paid around ฿690 for the haircut, ฿140 for the chicken (that I didn't have), and maybe ฿70 for the beer. I wonder why I moved!

April -- a time of drought and cricket!

I got a bit of a shock whilst watching the BBC News this morning. Just as I was tucking into my tea and toast, there was a report from Thailand. With the military-appointed Prime Minister hospitalised and expected to resign, this wasn't surprising. However, the next thing I know, the reporter says 'Hua Hin'. Yes indeed, for the first time since I came to know this town, a non-Thai news report mentioned my new hometown. Sadly, it wasn't talking about this town's attractions but the drought that is afflicting a large part of Thailand. According to the Thai Meteorological Department, Hua Hin should get 16 mm of rain in March and 26.5 mm of rain in April, as we slowly head towards the wet season. However, we haven't had more than a cupful of rain for around 6-8 weeks and so the neighbourhood pineapple plantations are parched. The much-loved Thai monarch invented a chemical method for inducing rain, which involves sprinkling a substance in the sky that encourages clouds, and it is this that drew the BBC here. You see, Hua Hin's small airport is the base of this rainmaking operation. Will it work? Well, it did last year, but I have to say that according to the aforementioned Thai Meteorological Department, there's only a 10% chance of rain for the next week. So I'll keep saving water -- by drinking beer!

Talking of water, we're getting very close to the Thai New Year, Songkran, and in Hua Hin, that means it's time for cricket. Yesterday saw the start of the 12th Hua Hin Invitational Cricket Sixes, with a record 19 teams. This all happens just north of here at the spacious Dusit Resort, which is actually across the line in Petchaburi province. If you are feeling fit enough, the proceedings begin at 8am and keep going until 5.30pm -- if the beer holds out! I went to the Cricket Sixes last year -- and got well and truly soaked en route by the water splashing Songkran celebrants along the road. I might go later this week, especially as I may have a couple of Aussie friends staying with us, but we'll have to see. I am not that crazy about cricket, having been a poor batsman and an even worse bowler, and my oriental wife would be totally baffled, so maybe staying near the beach or the fridge seems to make a lot more sense. After all, what's the point of having an extended holiday in the hot season if you don't support the local breweries?

The first half of April has been cancelled!

Did you miss me? I know I said I'd tell you about my Bangkok jaunt when I got back but after I did get back, things got a little hectic and so I couldn't get round to it. Suffice to say that it all went well and as you can see, I survived the Thai driving and returned home to Hua Hin safe & well. Doesn't that make you feel better?

Now this weekend just finished (31st/1st) saw the highlight of the Asian rugby calendar, the Hong Kong Sevens. Luckily, I was able to watch every game on TV here and don’t worry -- I maintained the tradition of only watching the first game sober! There was some great rugby (though Japan and France need, as my teacher used to say, to 'try harder') but it also made me wonder why, when poor countries like Madagascar and Sri Lanka were represented, there is never a team from Thailand? Not just the HK Sevens but almost any large sporting event (except the Olympics). Well, after having lived here for almost 2 years now, I can easily explain that -- as can anyone who's ever worked with a typical Thai male. (I do have to mention that there is a 'Bangkok Sevens' tournament, but the vast majority of the players are farangs, with only a few non-typical Thais discovering how much fun life can be when you get your act together!)

1. If there were a Thai team, the kick-off would be 2 hours late. One reason there are so few clocks in Thai institutions and streets is that no one cares what the time is!

2. No one would ever pass the ball! For the average Thai, long term means after lunch and so preparing a strategy for any game would be impossible. Judging by my students and the people we do business with, the average response to getting the ball would be "very nice -- but where's the fun in this?" If it isn't fun, they just don't want to know!

3. Half time would last till the next day. There are exceptions, of course (mostly the ethnic Chinese Thais) but usually, if you give young Thais a 10-minute break, they'll come back after 30 or 40 minutes -- or never!

4. The Government would make it illegal for anyone to lose! No Thai high school student is allowed to fail, even if they never show up for class. A zero score is not permitted, so the referee would have to give the local team a point even if they never arrived!

There are some fairly successful Thai golfers, tennis players & boxers, but team sports require coordination -- and trying that here would test the patience of a saint!

Anyway, this is a short week for most Thais, as Friday is Chakri Day, a holiday that honours the ruling dynasty. What's more, the week after sees the onset of Songkran, the Thai New Year. This is celebrated by the locals throwing/firing/ladling water onto anyone they happen to meet, be they friend or stranger, passer-by or cop. That may not sound like too much fun but remember -- this is the HOT season, with 40c+ being a daily event, and so a nice cold shower can be very welcome!

However, this will, of course, mean a few more days' siesta for most of the Kingdom, so if you're hoping to get anything done in Thailand for the first half of April -- don't!

Summer -- time for tourists, pink flab & heat!

It may sound strange when I say that I am now on the final week of my summer holidays, but TiT -- this is Thailand! Here, they don't judge their seasons by the calendar but by the weather, & as we are now entering the hottest time of year, they call this summer. Strangely logical, don't you think?

We are also nearing the end of the peak tourist season, which matters when you live in a tourist town. Downtown Hua Hin is still filled with pasty looking foreigners, scantily clad to make sure they get sunburnt nice & quickly. A lot of them have obviously not read up on Thailand before coming here & so they think it's neat to walk around the downtown streets as if they were on the beach. Thailand can be a very conservative place & so although they may not say so, they do not like people walking around topless. For women, even going topless on the beach could get one into trouble but for the men, strolling around the shops topless may give you a holiday feeling but it won't please the locals. What's more, like those in shorts, the ones who choose to go topless are usually the ones who definitely shouldn't! Seeing all that pink skin is bad enough but pink beer guts & rolls of raw flab are enough to put me off my breakfast! A friend of mine once observed that women can never be equal with men until they can walk down the street, balding, badly shaven & with a more than ample beer belly hanging over their trousers, & still think they're sexy! Judging by some of the males who 'parade' up & down Hua Hin's avenues, he has a very good point!

Tomorrow, I'm off to Bangkok for a few days. I haven't been in the 'Big Mango' since last October, when I went there on a day trip. This time, we're staying a few days & so I may well suffer a bit of culture shock. After all, Bangkok has many things that Hua Hin doesn't, like lifts, traffic jams, crowds, department stores, taxis, pollution & pubs that aren't girlie bars! We'll be going by 'VIP bus', which means one of the almost-double-deckers with a/c & toilets. Leaving here at around 6.30am, we should hit the Bangkok traffic sometime between 9 & 10. However, with one of the easiest driving tests in the world (which a lot of Thais prefer not to take), a 225km drive can be a little bit like the Twilight Zone, so if I make it back in one piece, I shall tell you about my adventures (?) later on!

"Bliss it was in that dawn to be alive"

This week, it has become increasingly obvious that winter is long gone & the build up to the hot season (which locals aptly call 'summer' even though it's during the Northern Hemisphere winter/spring) has begun. We haven't yet broken the 40c barrier yet but we will. The Chiang Mai weather office is predicting an extra hot, extra dry summer for northern Thailand & I doubt if things will be much different here in the Centre/South. I can't recall when we last had rain worth mentioning & although some clouds do occasionally venture into the sky overhead, they have yet to drop anything!

Personally speaking, I have heard that two friends, both living in Australia, are planning to pop over & visit me here in Hua Hin. When we first moved here, I was expecting a veritable convoy of people to pop over & visit us, rather like the much-missed John Thaw's character in 'A Year in Provence'. I realise that Hua Hin isn't as accessible as southern France but I thought the chance of a hotel-free holiday on the Thai coast would attract a few friends. However, our 'absent friends' in Tokyo, London & elsewhere seem to lack a taste for new horizons & so apart from a few of my wife's former colleagues (a charming bunch of Japanese ladies who visited Hua Hin for just a few days), our spare room remains remarkably under-utilised.

The first of our expected visitors who are planning to boldly go where so few others have ventured before has, like me, a Japanese wife, & as they are planning to visit during the aforementioned hot season, we might spend more time chatting in the shade than visiting the beach or temples. The other guy spent over 20 years in the Aussie Army, including a spell in Somalia, so whenever he comes, I doubt if the weather will bother him much!

Anyway, unless a visitor is a rugby nut like me, they might find life here a little dull, as I am glued to my TV each weekend, thanks to the ongoing Super 14 & the 6 Nations. The time difference does mean that I'm getting a few late nights -- I went to bed at 3am after watching the Irish thrash England! However, the lack of sleep & resulting hangover were well worth it. To paraphrase the poet, "Bliss it was in that dawn to be alive, But to see the Irish triumph in the warmth of a Thai summer was very heaven."

Looking back on a great weekend . . .

As we approach the next weekend, I can't help recalling last weekend -- & I doubt if it'll be matched! A quick glimpse of Burma, lunch by the beach & then some great live rugby. That's a hard act to follow, right?

Last Saturday (the 10th), I travelled a little closer to Burma that I usually care to. Officially, foreigners can't cross over into 'Myanmar' but the border is less than 60km from my home & if you don't mind using some rather rough mountain paths, is also pretty porous. I have been told that it's easy to cross without knowing, according to some trekkers & motorcyclists. I'd rather not find out.

Anyway, why did I go anywhere near that thoroughly unpleasant, unhappy land? Well, I had been invited to take a look at a new development located on the western side of the mountains that form a backdrop to Hua Hin. Part of the AKA Resort development, this part was very scenic indeed. There are some lovely verdant plains beyond those dusty mountains, stretching off towards the Burmese frontier. Although we could see for a long way, there was barely any sign of life -- no sounds of traffic & very few dwellings. The lack of activity was partly due to the rather intense sunshine, which gave me a little sunburn before the day was over. However, it was worth it, as I enjoyed seeing the other side of the hills, & look forward to returning to that area soon & often.

We had lunch that day at Let's Sea hotel, on the edge of a patio right on the beach. It's a very nice restaurant, with attentive, English-speaking staff -- in fact, I'm taking 'her indoors' there for a Valentine's Day dinner tonight! Anyway, the Japanese visitors who were with us seemed amazed at how empty this long, sandy beach was -- & then I reminded them that this is still the peak season here! This part of the beach is about 4km from downtown & doubtless it was much more crowded around the Sofitel. However, Hua Hin never gets as crowded as some of those European or Florida beaches one sees on TV. Even after the tsunami, I'm willing to bet Phuket gets much more congested. That's one more reason I've only ever been there once -- for a short day trip -- & I have no plans to return.

My weekend ended in a very nice way when, at around 22:00, I watched the Ireland-France game, live from the hallowed turf of Croke Park, Dublin. Hitherto, there was no rugby at Croke Park. The Gaelic Athletic Association's rule 42 ensured that, as it was an English game, it could not be played there. This was partly because of the incident in 1920 when British forces fired into the crowd & killed 14 people, including spectators and players (an exaggerated version of this was shown in the film 'Michael Collins'). It was indeed a fine game, worth staying up for. Ireland got a try from the talented Ronan O'Gara, who also scored with 4 kicks. Indeed, Ireland seemed set for victory when O'Gara's fourth penalty in the 77th minute stretched Ireland's lead to four points (17-13), but France regathered the restart and sent Vincent Clerc through for the winning try. Final score was 17 - 20. As I like both teams, the result was fine for me, though it must have broken a few Irish hearts. I'm sure Guinness did well that night, though