Thailand: Great for me but not for Tesco!

There is a Thai proverb that talks about someone who "Dies to spite the graveyard" (ตายประชดป่าช้า). Clearly, this is the local equivalent of 'cutting off your nose to spite your face', but sadly, it seems that the apparently well-educated apparatchiks in Bangkok never learned either phrase, as they are working hard to make sure that Thailand should no longer be considered one of the Asian Tiger economies.

The latest example of this masochistic trend is a new retail law which is designed to limit or even stop the number and size of so-called 'foreign' retail giants. (Remember that even the mighty Tesco MUST have a Thai partner.) Now it would be easy to blame this nonsensical law on the military-installed government, but it was being discussed in government circles long before the tanks moved onto the streets of Bangkok last year. What's more, this law isn't an isolated example -- it is just another symptom of a growing xenophobic trend, highlighted by the government's move to limit foreigners to holding no more than 49% of the shares or voting rights in Thai companies. Rather than sacrifice control of their company like that, many foreign businessmen have abandoned plans to invest in Thailand, or prefer to work illegally -- thereby costing the government millions in lost tax income!

In case you haven't heard, the new retail law allows for local governments to deny permission for 'foreign' companies like Tesco and France's Carrefour to open new supermarkets, thereby denying thousands of Thais a job and yet again sacrificing huge tax revenue. Why are they acting so masochistically? Well, the official line is that the government is responding to complaints from small store owners, who complain that the big retailers are driving them out of business. Does this mean that they will close railway lines if bus companies complain? Or close down power stations if candle-makers present a grievance? I doubt it. You see, the railways and candle makers aren't foreign.

Now make no mistake. I still think Thailand is a great place to live, especially if you are a retiree. It is also great for holidays, even long-term holidays. However, as a place to do business, it leaves a lot to be desired. Entrepreneurs should leave Thailand off their itinerary, as the neighbouring countries offer much more promising opportunities -- especially as some (like Malaysia) are making the most of Bangkok's lack of practicality and encouraging foreign businesses. Thailand's loss -- or should I say, losses -- are other countries gain!

There is a good side to all this, of course. The growing lack of business sense in government circles here is bound to hurt the economy, either limiting economic growth or even encouraging a decline. This will make Thailand much poorer, thereby making it cheaper for overseas folk. Holidays here will become even more attractive and so will property. Long-term visits and retirement will become much more affordable to many more foreigners. 'Every cloud has a silver lining', ah? Maybe that's what the government wants, is working toward. If that's what you think, then you don't know Thailand …

Time for a haircut -- Hua Hin style!

As the hot season (a name that is well chosen) is now well and truly upon us, I thought it was about time for a haircut. Now when I lived in Tokyo, this was a time and money-consuming event, but now I'm in Hua Hin, things are different. It's not as basic as the pavement barber I used in Vietnam but it's not exactly Vidal, if you know what I mean!

My good lady wife (a title that is also well chosen) gave me a lift to the hotel where she was going to do aerobics. From here, I walked through the already hot and busy streets, up through what would later be the tourist thronged night market, and into my barbers. I'm willing to bet many foreigners walk by without even knowing there's a barbers there -- it has no 'bleeding arm' sign outside. However, it is plain, friendly and cuts my hair the way I like it -- tropically short! Our former maid introduced me to it, this being where her husband used to get his cut. After a few visits, both the main artisans learned what I liked and so I now just sit down and let them do it. A nice haircut, a shave, a scalp massage and some cold towels (you wouldn't want hot towels here!), all for ฿60 -- that's about 93 British pence, A$2.23 or €1.37. That plus a ฿20 tip (which is appreciated, as the Thai customers never tip!) and I walk out feeling pretty good.

The trim was finished early this morning so I passed the time by taking a walk along one of the roads that run parallel with the sea. Eventually, I came to a street restaurant (some might call it a food vendor) that has some excellent grilled chicken for about ฿20, all served within 20 or 30 metres of the sea. The food stand doesn't sell beer so customers pop across to a nearby booze shop and buy their own. Feeling that it was a mite too hot for grilled anything, I just went straight to the booze shop, bought a bottle of Leo (a lighter beer than my normal Chang but it was just after 10) for ฿23 (35p/A¢85/€0.52). Not a bad way to round off a nice haircut.

Back in Tokyo, I'd have paid around ฿690 for the haircut, ฿140 for the chicken (that I didn't have), and maybe ฿70 for the beer. I wonder why I moved!

April -- a time of drought and cricket!

I got a bit of a shock whilst watching the BBC News this morning. Just as I was tucking into my tea and toast, there was a report from Thailand. With the military-appointed Prime Minister hospitalised and expected to resign, this wasn't surprising. However, the next thing I know, the reporter says 'Hua Hin'. Yes indeed, for the first time since I came to know this town, a non-Thai news report mentioned my new hometown. Sadly, it wasn't talking about this town's attractions but the drought that is afflicting a large part of Thailand. According to the Thai Meteorological Department, Hua Hin should get 16 mm of rain in March and 26.5 mm of rain in April, as we slowly head towards the wet season. However, we haven't had more than a cupful of rain for around 6-8 weeks and so the neighbourhood pineapple plantations are parched. The much-loved Thai monarch invented a chemical method for inducing rain, which involves sprinkling a substance in the sky that encourages clouds, and it is this that drew the BBC here. You see, Hua Hin's small airport is the base of this rainmaking operation. Will it work? Well, it did last year, but I have to say that according to the aforementioned Thai Meteorological Department, there's only a 10% chance of rain for the next week. So I'll keep saving water -- by drinking beer!

Talking of water, we're getting very close to the Thai New Year, Songkran, and in Hua Hin, that means it's time for cricket. Yesterday saw the start of the 12th Hua Hin Invitational Cricket Sixes, with a record 19 teams. This all happens just north of here at the spacious Dusit Resort, which is actually across the line in Petchaburi province. If you are feeling fit enough, the proceedings begin at 8am and keep going until 5.30pm -- if the beer holds out! I went to the Cricket Sixes last year -- and got well and truly soaked en route by the water splashing Songkran celebrants along the road. I might go later this week, especially as I may have a couple of Aussie friends staying with us, but we'll have to see. I am not that crazy about cricket, having been a poor batsman and an even worse bowler, and my oriental wife would be totally baffled, so maybe staying near the beach or the fridge seems to make a lot more sense. After all, what's the point of having an extended holiday in the hot season if you don't support the local breweries?

The first half of April has been cancelled!

Did you miss me? I know I said I'd tell you about my Bangkok jaunt when I got back but after I did get back, things got a little hectic and so I couldn't get round to it. Suffice to say that it all went well and as you can see, I survived the Thai driving and returned home to Hua Hin safe & well. Doesn't that make you feel better?

Now this weekend just finished (31st/1st) saw the highlight of the Asian rugby calendar, the Hong Kong Sevens. Luckily, I was able to watch every game on TV here and don’t worry -- I maintained the tradition of only watching the first game sober! There was some great rugby (though Japan and France need, as my teacher used to say, to 'try harder') but it also made me wonder why, when poor countries like Madagascar and Sri Lanka were represented, there is never a team from Thailand? Not just the HK Sevens but almost any large sporting event (except the Olympics). Well, after having lived here for almost 2 years now, I can easily explain that -- as can anyone who's ever worked with a typical Thai male. (I do have to mention that there is a 'Bangkok Sevens' tournament, but the vast majority of the players are farangs, with only a few non-typical Thais discovering how much fun life can be when you get your act together!)

1. If there were a Thai team, the kick-off would be 2 hours late. One reason there are so few clocks in Thai institutions and streets is that no one cares what the time is!

2. No one would ever pass the ball! For the average Thai, long term means after lunch and so preparing a strategy for any game would be impossible. Judging by my students and the people we do business with, the average response to getting the ball would be "very nice -- but where's the fun in this?" If it isn't fun, they just don't want to know!

3. Half time would last till the next day. There are exceptions, of course (mostly the ethnic Chinese Thais) but usually, if you give young Thais a 10-minute break, they'll come back after 30 or 40 minutes -- or never!

4. The Government would make it illegal for anyone to lose! No Thai high school student is allowed to fail, even if they never show up for class. A zero score is not permitted, so the referee would have to give the local team a point even if they never arrived!

There are some fairly successful Thai golfers, tennis players & boxers, but team sports require coordination -- and trying that here would test the patience of a saint!

Anyway, this is a short week for most Thais, as Friday is Chakri Day, a holiday that honours the ruling dynasty. What's more, the week after sees the onset of Songkran, the Thai New Year. This is celebrated by the locals throwing/firing/ladling water onto anyone they happen to meet, be they friend or stranger, passer-by or cop. That may not sound like too much fun but remember -- this is the HOT season, with 40c+ being a daily event, and so a nice cold shower can be very welcome!

However, this will, of course, mean a few more days' siesta for most of the Kingdom, so if you're hoping to get anything done in Thailand for the first half of April -- don't!

Summer -- time for tourists, pink flab & heat!

It may sound strange when I say that I am now on the final week of my summer holidays, but TiT -- this is Thailand! Here, they don't judge their seasons by the calendar but by the weather, & as we are now entering the hottest time of year, they call this summer. Strangely logical, don't you think?

We are also nearing the end of the peak tourist season, which matters when you live in a tourist town. Downtown Hua Hin is still filled with pasty looking foreigners, scantily clad to make sure they get sunburnt nice & quickly. A lot of them have obviously not read up on Thailand before coming here & so they think it's neat to walk around the downtown streets as if they were on the beach. Thailand can be a very conservative place & so although they may not say so, they do not like people walking around topless. For women, even going topless on the beach could get one into trouble but for the men, strolling around the shops topless may give you a holiday feeling but it won't please the locals. What's more, like those in shorts, the ones who choose to go topless are usually the ones who definitely shouldn't! Seeing all that pink skin is bad enough but pink beer guts & rolls of raw flab are enough to put me off my breakfast! A friend of mine once observed that women can never be equal with men until they can walk down the street, balding, badly shaven & with a more than ample beer belly hanging over their trousers, & still think they're sexy! Judging by some of the males who 'parade' up & down Hua Hin's avenues, he has a very good point!

Tomorrow, I'm off to Bangkok for a few days. I haven't been in the 'Big Mango' since last October, when I went there on a day trip. This time, we're staying a few days & so I may well suffer a bit of culture shock. After all, Bangkok has many things that Hua Hin doesn't, like lifts, traffic jams, crowds, department stores, taxis, pollution & pubs that aren't girlie bars! We'll be going by 'VIP bus', which means one of the almost-double-deckers with a/c & toilets. Leaving here at around 6.30am, we should hit the Bangkok traffic sometime between 9 & 10. However, with one of the easiest driving tests in the world (which a lot of Thais prefer not to take), a 225km drive can be a little bit like the Twilight Zone, so if I make it back in one piece, I shall tell you about my adventures (?) later on!

"Bliss it was in that dawn to be alive"

This week, it has become increasingly obvious that winter is long gone & the build up to the hot season (which locals aptly call 'summer' even though it's during the Northern Hemisphere winter/spring) has begun. We haven't yet broken the 40c barrier yet but we will. The Chiang Mai weather office is predicting an extra hot, extra dry summer for northern Thailand & I doubt if things will be much different here in the Centre/South. I can't recall when we last had rain worth mentioning & although some clouds do occasionally venture into the sky overhead, they have yet to drop anything!

Personally speaking, I have heard that two friends, both living in Australia, are planning to pop over & visit me here in Hua Hin. When we first moved here, I was expecting a veritable convoy of people to pop over & visit us, rather like the much-missed John Thaw's character in 'A Year in Provence'. I realise that Hua Hin isn't as accessible as southern France but I thought the chance of a hotel-free holiday on the Thai coast would attract a few friends. However, our 'absent friends' in Tokyo, London & elsewhere seem to lack a taste for new horizons & so apart from a few of my wife's former colleagues (a charming bunch of Japanese ladies who visited Hua Hin for just a few days), our spare room remains remarkably under-utilised.

The first of our expected visitors who are planning to boldly go where so few others have ventured before has, like me, a Japanese wife, & as they are planning to visit during the aforementioned hot season, we might spend more time chatting in the shade than visiting the beach or temples. The other guy spent over 20 years in the Aussie Army, including a spell in Somalia, so whenever he comes, I doubt if the weather will bother him much!

Anyway, unless a visitor is a rugby nut like me, they might find life here a little dull, as I am glued to my TV each weekend, thanks to the ongoing Super 14 & the 6 Nations. The time difference does mean that I'm getting a few late nights -- I went to bed at 3am after watching the Irish thrash England! However, the lack of sleep & resulting hangover were well worth it. To paraphrase the poet, "Bliss it was in that dawn to be alive, But to see the Irish triumph in the warmth of a Thai summer was very heaven."

Looking back on a great weekend . . .

As we approach the next weekend, I can't help recalling last weekend -- & I doubt if it'll be matched! A quick glimpse of Burma, lunch by the beach & then some great live rugby. That's a hard act to follow, right?

Last Saturday (the 10th), I travelled a little closer to Burma that I usually care to. Officially, foreigners can't cross over into 'Myanmar' but the border is less than 60km from my home & if you don't mind using some rather rough mountain paths, is also pretty porous. I have been told that it's easy to cross without knowing, according to some trekkers & motorcyclists. I'd rather not find out.

Anyway, why did I go anywhere near that thoroughly unpleasant, unhappy land? Well, I had been invited to take a look at a new development located on the western side of the mountains that form a backdrop to Hua Hin. Part of the AKA Resort development, this part was very scenic indeed. There are some lovely verdant plains beyond those dusty mountains, stretching off towards the Burmese frontier. Although we could see for a long way, there was barely any sign of life -- no sounds of traffic & very few dwellings. The lack of activity was partly due to the rather intense sunshine, which gave me a little sunburn before the day was over. However, it was worth it, as I enjoyed seeing the other side of the hills, & look forward to returning to that area soon & often.

We had lunch that day at Let's Sea hotel, on the edge of a patio right on the beach. It's a very nice restaurant, with attentive, English-speaking staff -- in fact, I'm taking 'her indoors' there for a Valentine's Day dinner tonight! Anyway, the Japanese visitors who were with us seemed amazed at how empty this long, sandy beach was -- & then I reminded them that this is still the peak season here! This part of the beach is about 4km from downtown & doubtless it was much more crowded around the Sofitel. However, Hua Hin never gets as crowded as some of those European or Florida beaches one sees on TV. Even after the tsunami, I'm willing to bet Phuket gets much more congested. That's one more reason I've only ever been there once -- for a short day trip -- & I have no plans to return.

My weekend ended in a very nice way when, at around 22:00, I watched the Ireland-France game, live from the hallowed turf of Croke Park, Dublin. Hitherto, there was no rugby at Croke Park. The Gaelic Athletic Association's rule 42 ensured that, as it was an English game, it could not be played there. This was partly because of the incident in 1920 when British forces fired into the crowd & killed 14 people, including spectators and players (an exaggerated version of this was shown in the film 'Michael Collins'). It was indeed a fine game, worth staying up for. Ireland got a try from the talented Ronan O'Gara, who also scored with 4 kicks. Indeed, Ireland seemed set for victory when O'Gara's fourth penalty in the 77th minute stretched Ireland's lead to four points (17-13), but France regathered the restart and sent Vincent Clerc through for the winning try. Final score was 17 - 20. As I like both teams, the result was fine for me, though it must have broken a few Irish hearts. I'm sure Guinness did well that night, though

Out of Africa -- or is it Thailand?

Now as it says in my profile, I grew up in Southern Africa, in the country now known as Zimbabwe, & although I miss Africa like a baby might miss its mother, the current situation in Zim (& also in SA, to a lesser extent) makes moving there as advisable as opening a pig farm in Jeddah! But life here in south-central Thailand is often surprisingly similar to life back home. It's not just the weather, as Thailand gets much warmer than Zim, but other things. For example, life is slow, & the locals don't seem to include 'urgent' or 'hurry' in their vocabulary. Prices are generally much lower than in Europe or (of course) Japan, & because it is more often sunny than not, we tend to spend plenty of time outdoors. The veranda of my house gets plenty of use, as does my BBQ. OK, we can't get the same food here (though I have heard it can be found in Bangkok), but we can get biltong (sometimes mistakenly called jerky) -- or Nua Sawan as its known here (Moo Dat Diew if you prefer pork). The Thai love of spicy food means there are many dishes similar to the Portuguese Peri-Peri. I even had some very fine fresh water prawns at a lakeside restaurant inside the huge Kaeng Krachan National Park that tasted very similar to the ones I once enjoyed in Beira -- 'Camarao Grelhado Piripiri' I think the Moz dish was called. Sadly, the rugby missionaries haven't been very active in Thailand, least of all outside of Bangkok, & the national love of football means the oval ball gets very little coverage on Thai TV. However, it is possible to get South African satellite TV here & so I shall be missing very little of the upcoming Super 14 or 6 Nations. Imagine: Sitting on the patio, a bowl of Moo Dat Diew on one side, an icy bottle of Chang (which is a very drinkable beer, & remarkably cheap, too!) on the other, & live rugby on the TV. Ah yes. I accept that this might not be as nice as life back on the ranch on which I grew up -- but it could certainly be worse…

Escape to the islands . . . Sort of!

Last week, the college where I try (not with great success) to teach supposedly education-seeking Thais decided to give everyone a week off – without real warning, of course. Anyway, having managed to persuade my wife to tear herself away from the computer for a few days, we set off one Sunday morning for the island of Koh Phangan, located just north of Koh Samui. The 8.30 bus from Hua Hin departed at 9 & took us to a small ferry pier just outside Chumporn City. The ferry, supposedly an ultra modern, ultra fast catamaran, departed OK but soon after we reached the small island of Koh Tao, we were forced to get off the boat. No reason given & although I thought it might be engine problems, the boat then picked up a bunch of passengers heading the other way & took them off! I later learned that a large tour party had arrived at the Chumporn terminal & with typical Thai disregard for business, the company had decided to dump us & aim for them! Anyway, we later boarded the next ferry, which was of course already crowded, & so I spent the trip mostly sitting on a plastic stool at the back of the ship. After finally reaching our destination, we caught a crowded Song Thew to our hotel, located on a slope about 20 minutes outside the main port, Thongsala. We were supposed to stay here for 3 nights but mother nature had other plans.

We spent most of the daylight hours in or around the hotel, as the island’s attraction were not enough to make us drag our 2 ½ year old son along the winding & dangerous roads. We did manage to visit the lovely home of some French/Japanese friends we knew from Hua Hin, but this involved travelling across the island via some rather dicey roads. They live in a truly beautiful old cottage right beside the sea – except that it isn’t old, it’s just built to look old. Truly like something out of a guide book! However, come Tuesday night, we discovered how true the old adage of ‘Man proposes, God disposes’ is. You see, my wife noticed that the booking agent in Hua Hin had made a mistake on our return ferry ticket & so she called them. That was when we found out that due to the storm (the remains of Typhoon Durian that was sweeping across the Gulf), our ferry had been cancelled & there was no way we could get back to the mainland that day! To make matters worse, we couldn’t even use the hotel pool, due to the continual heavy rain, or even get on the beach – which meant keeping our little one amused for a long & windswept day!

However, come the next morning, the weather returned to normal , clear skies & smooth seas, & so after waking up the staff to get us some breakfast (this hotel, ‘Sunset Cove’, might consider itself a luxury resort but I most certainly do not), we headed back to Thongsala, where we eventually boarded the catamaran ferry & set off for the mainland. Having paid an extra 50 baht, we were allowed to sit in the so-called ‘VIP room’, which was virtually empty until we reached Koh Tao, where a large bunch of very noisy Thais came onboard. The movies shown during the voyage were both very unsuitable for our young son but luckily he was more interested in the sea & other boats.

We reached the mainland at some time after 12 & then resumed the chaotic experience of trying to make sense of arrangements made by a Thai company. It is hardly surprising that the Thai economy is falling behind all of its neighbours & may soon be overtaken even by Laos! You see, we were told to board the bus but we were not told there were 3 buses leaving. In line with the rules of nature, the one for Hua Hin was the last one we checked! Anyway, we got back to Hua Hin some time around 17.15, the journey north having taken much longer than the journey south, & then headed home.

Summary: Koh Phangan is a beautiful island, with some lovely scenery, especially in the mountainous interior. However, it’s charms are NOT worth the hassle & discomfort that the transport arrangements that link it with the rest of Thailand entail. If you do decide to go, try to avoid using the catamaran service (run by a company called Lomprayah). The best way is probably to fly to Koh Samui & then take the local ferry north to Koh Phangan. They say that the island will have its own airport within 5 years but that seems overly optimistic to me, & so I might not be returning there for a while.

Life's a beach!

What with living so close to the sea & enjoying the sort of holidays only experienced by teachers, I have long been thinking about getting up early one day & taking my dog Shandy for a walk on the beach before it gets too hot. Well, when my present holiday began, I checked the tide tables (http://easytide.ukho.gov.uk/) & found that our local beach was probably underwater at the time I had in mind. However, tides change & when I checked the table for this weekend, I found the timing a lot more promising. So this morning, I got up before 6 & surprised Shandy by taking him out for a walk. Admittedly, the walk to the beach was a pain, as we had to contend with the curse of urban Thailand – soi dogs, the wild, noisy & bothersome creatures who are encouraged by stupid women who insist on feeding them – not cleaning them or giving them a home – to earn merit for the afterlife. Anyway, I’d taken a stick & so they kept their distance. It was worth the effort. The beach was almost empty & the sun was hovering just above the horizon -- it rises over the sea here on the Gulf coast, & sets over distant Burma. I walked for about 50 minutes, meeting an occasional fisherman or pale holidaying Bangkokian venturing out from one of the beachside condos. I was just breaking into a sweat when I headed inland again, feeling both relaxed & rejuvenated. Now that I’ve actually made the effort, I intend to do this at least once a week from now on. After all, why live near the sea if the one thing you never see is the sea!